Why NOT me?

“Why me?” I’ve heard many people utter these two simple words in regards to a variety of issues. Whether it was work related, centered around a failed relationship, or dealing with tragedy, I think asking “why me” is a natural reaction for many. Lately, though, I’ve been thinking the exact opposite. “Why NOT me?”

About a week ago, I participated in Relay for Life. I’ve had never actually attended an event before, but it was inspiring. Prior to the event beginning, we had the opportunity to hear from both cancer survivors and family members of those who died of cancer. Their stories were moving. While they were speaking, I kept wondering why not me? Why have I not been directly impacted by a disease that 1 in 3 Americans will have? That thought lead to another. Why have I been so blessed, so fortunate? What have I done to deserve such a wonderful life? I immediately began to pray, and I couldn’t help but thank God for the blessings He’s given me.

The same emotions overtook me two days later at church. Why NOT me? My life has been incredibly rewarding and wonderful, and I’m left to wonder why haven’t been faced with many of the trials and challenges that many others have? I know it seems like a strange thing to think about, but thinking about that question allows me to ponder how I live my life. I’m a person that believes that our paths are pre-determined. I believe that, ultimately, God has determined that path for me. That’s a scary thought, but it is the thought that sustains me and give me peace of mind when I’m scared and questioning everything around me.

I’m a lucky man. Maybe blessed is a more appropriate word. But I get the message. I promise that I’ll do my best to take advantage of the life I’ve been given, I’ll continue to work my hardest, and continue to never take one moment for granted. I get it.

Just thinking...

Where is the line between being too selfish and being a martyr? I’m sure that we all know people that fit into both categories. On one hand, you have the individuals who are completely self-absorbed. Life revolves around them and what they have going on. When you ask them how their day is, you should be prepared to spend the next fifteen minutes listening to them talk about their problems. They never once ask you anything about you, and you leave the conversation wondering what just happened. On the other end of the spectrum, you have people who martyr themselves for others. They NEVER put themselves first, even if it means they are unhappy, miserable, and stressed out. They are the people that everyone calls because they will always answer, they will always listen, and they will always help out.

Selfish people LOVE martyrs! They love the fact that with that particular person, it’s always about them. They love knowing that the martyr will always be around, will always answer the phone, and will always put others happiness before their own. They take advantage of that person. What’s crazy is that the martyr knows they are being taken advantage of! They know it, but they don’t do anything about it!

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because I’ve been struggling with how selfish people can be. I always feel like I try to be a good friend, and I try to be there for others. I genuinely want to hear what is going on in the lives of others, and I want to help them. I’m amazed at the number of people that don’t give that back. Maybe I expect too much from people. Maybe I should not have such high expectations for my friends. I have found that once you get into the pattern of giving, others naturally expect it. Once you get into the habit of listening, that’s the only thing that a friend wants you to do.

I’m definitely not a martyr, but I see it happening around me. It is tough to see friends that give to others and have others walk over them. As much as you can tell that person, they need to quit being a martyr, they just can’t stop. Maybe it is a personality thing. Who knows?

I am beginning to believe that graduate students are naturally predisposed to being selfish. I’m the same way to an extent, but it is challenging to be around so many with that characteristic. I’ve never been surrounded by so many that are so self-absorbed.

What it boils down to is that I’m learning a lot about myself with this experience and the people I am around. I might not be learning about the type of person I want to be, but I am learning a lot about the type of person I DO NOT want to be.

Finally, time to blog.

It’s official. I do not like winter. I do not like snow. The older that I’ve gotten, the more I feel the cold. That probably won’t make sense to many, but if you’ve ever found yourself walking across the Virginia Tech drill field facing a bitter north wind, you know what I’m talking about. Unfortunately the winter weather has put a damper on our fun road trip back to Blacksburg. We’ll get there eventually, and hopefully we’ll still be able to see some friends along the way.

The time away from Blacksburg was needed. The end of the semester is extremely chaotic, and the past fall was challenging. Needless to say, I felt more confident in myself this past semester. Yet at the same time, there were moments when I felt inadequate, incompetent, and, for lack of a better word, dumb. I tell myself that it’s all part of the process and that all Ph.D. students feel this way at some point. I am also not being naïve, I know that I’ll feel that way many more times before it’s all said and done. I’ll make it. This I know.

With that being said, I’m looking forward to 2010. This will be a challenging spring, but I am trying to face with optimism and intensity. It’s exciting to think that in a year, I will hopefully be looking for a job, a house, and the opportunities my degree will bring. Those optimistic thoughts sustain me in my moments of doubt.

Like I’ve done in the past, here are some things that I learned (or were reminded of) in 2009:

• I actually enjoy research.
• If you are uncomfortable in a situation, don’t put yourself in it.
• Negativity breeds negativity.
• Sometimes friendships change.
• Weeds is a pretty good show. Okay, I love it!
• Tragedies still cut deep, even two years later.
• I am fascinated by Middle Eastern culture.
• Sometimes people that claim to be open-minded are the most closed-minded.
• Being a Republican doesn’t mean you are conservative.
• Becoming a teacher was the best thing that ever happened to me.
• People in Kuwait wear too much perfume/cologne.
• I don’t give myself enough credit.
• Although I’m confident about many things, I still have self-doubt about other things.
• Going to church rejuvenates me and sets the tone for my week.
• Sitting at a desk and cubicle is not what I was meant to do.
• I love working with pre-service teachers!
• Audio books aren’t that bad.
• It’s tough to leave the office at the office, but sometimes you just have to.
• I am on Facebook too much. I should suspend my account during my preliminary exams.
• I talk a lot and to fill the silence, I talk some more.
• When you hang with your true friends, nothing has changed.
• Faith and hope are what I cling to each and every day.

With that, I do have some goals for 2010. They include:

• Successfully passing my written and oral preliminary exams
• Standing up for people that are being talked badly about in the office
• Quit biting my nails
• Becoming closer to God
• Staying in good shape
• Reading one book per month for pleasure
• Being on track to graduate in May 2011
• Getting published in a journal
• Counter people’s negativity with my positivity
• Be myself 100% of the time
• Not let fear stand in my way of anything.

Here’s wishing each of you the best in 2010! May all of your hopes and dreams come true!